I’m a Liar

A Search for Authentic Design

I want to clean up my portfolio. Over months and even years thing collect, get dumped, abandoned, dusty, ignored. Years of things have collected in my portfolio and it has begun to spill off of shelves and out of boxes. My brilliant design work. My so-so design work. My pay-the-bills design work.

What I hoped to feature in my portfolio is somewhat less exciting than I remember. So how did I misremember it? I think, over time, one adds a certain aura to one’s work. Now with piles of work scattered around me I want to figure out how to organize it honestly. Throwing it all away seems like a possible option. But before I dump everything into the recycle bin I have to decide if there is something worth saving.

I’ll save the good stuff. But what’s the good stuff? I could argue that good design work is the design work that got printed. If it got printed that means that the design fulfilled its purpose for the client. It solved a particular problem and met the client’s criteria for success. But does that make it good design or simply a completed design?

Suddenly I’m becoming more dissatisfied with my work. Perhaps that’s not the right tone to take. I’m trying to promote my unique skills. Designers who get jobs are designers who promote their style and skill sets. I’ve done this to some extent. But creating my portfolio suggests that I’m selecting work that will appeal to others. I’m trying to seduce them by creating a mask, a surface, a lie. The work I’m gathering isn’t based on authenticity. It’s based on my assumptions about what people want, to fill whatever needs they have. I’m creating an audience out of thin air. Who are the people looking at my work? I have an idea, but it’s all a guess. When I think about it I realize I’m sharing inauthentic work with an inauthentic audience. If a gust of wind comes along it will blow this house of brochures away. So how do I identify authentic work?

Well, if I’m going to review my portfolio honestly then I’m actually reviewing myself. I must review my life and the work I’ve done over the years. It’s an interesting process. I remember different jobs and my colleagues. What I learned and the friends I made. This might take a while.

And now I’m getting confused about what it means to identify authentic design. Let me try again. What it’s not. I’m not complaining that design work doesn’t allow me to be creative. I understand the constraints of design. I want to create authentic design work – work that reflects my vision, my honest self. If I’m going to commit to making authentic work I may have to walk away from the work that I’ve done that is inauthentic. This is risky. My portfolio could end up being empty. Or it could have a few design projects from school. But I think it’s time to let go of the untrue work and promote the true.

I’m trying to codify what that word “authentic” means. Currently it’s a gut feeling. I think it’s about showing the work that I enjoyed making. Showing work that has content that somehow affected me. I did design work for ADWAS, Abused Deaf Woman’s Advocacy Services a non-profit that supports deaf abused women. I was involved in developing or helping to edit the content for two of their annual reports. I worked as publications director for Northwest Interpretive Association and created books, publications and programs that supported educational events at National Parks and National Forests and other public land agencies. When some of the past design jobs were boring I often created work for myself. I’d invent a band, write the lyrics and design the CD booklet. Those works were created for an imagined and demanding client. I should probably show those.

But there may not be much to show that I love. This is difficult. I’ll keep looking and thinking. I want to create a fresh place, a new staring point. This economy makes it even more demanding. Can I risk rethinking my portfolio to such an extent that there’s only an echo of the work I do?

I spoke with someone from a freelance design agency last month. She told me to create work that is fresh and vital. That reflected today’s style and looked new. I think she was telling me that I needed to create work that looks like other work. So the market is demanding that I learn to create work that works for someone else. That I develop a skill set that is inauthentic and represents popular design. That’s boring and a dead end I think. What is the argument against that vision of design? I think it’s about authenticity and addressing assignments with integrity and somehow with my self and my worldview intact.